I went off of my medication last week. Just cold turkey, without any real thought or plan. Mostly I was thinking I needed to see my doctor to get a refill and I wanted to wait until after the holidays to have to worry about that. That's a good reason, right?
For about a week, I've been doing fairly well. I certainly notice a difference in my ability to handle stimuli - as in I'm not filtering it as well. Too much going on at once is a little more than I can handle. My frustration threshold is low, as is my irritation level. I could feel those "symptoms" there but I was doing a good job in handling them.
No sooner had I very happily and optomistically told my parents that I was off my medication and doing well (like a blathering idiot) than I was struck down. I lost it.
Now I realize that life is full of frustration and irritation. (I'm not stupid, but thanks for the memo.) But if you don't understand what it's like to be where I am, then you can't understand that there is a difference.
It is normal to get frustrated and upset with your kids. It's even normal to yell at them on occasion. But to actually "lose it". I don't think that's okay, and today it happened to me. Again.
I will add here for you worry warts that my children are fine. I have never hit my kids, and that still stands true. What happens is what my husband says is lecturing, although I think perhaps half the state can hear it. Something happens (in this case it was a series of messes) that I just can't seem to handle and I'm pushed over the edge. (Even now as I'm typing this I feel the frustration, and am barely able to contain my emotions.) Now I get to spend the rest of the day completely useless, in a state of deep sadness. It's hard to bounce back from this. (Won't Bubblehead be happy to get home tonight!)
So for those of you who have thanked me in the past for talking about PPD, and in doing so helping you in some way, I could use a little encouragement here. I don't know what is "normal". Part of me wants to jump right back on the lexapro, and part of me wonders if a period of adjustment is to be expected.
I guess I'll be calling my doctor in the morning.
