The recent attacks on England resulted in an article in the newspaper here about a local woman, Lila, living in London, and her experience that morning.
I went to high school with Lila; her little sister was in my class. She is now an actress in the London theater. I found myself thinking "Good for her! What an amazing life she must have!"
You see, it's a secret wish of mine to live in England - just for a year or two. I would love to have the time to travel Europe and soak up the culture and history - experience something completely different.
So I find myself envying Lila and her exciting life in London. How completely dull my life seems in comparison. Yes, I'm a college graduate - something that was extremely important to me. But what have I done with it? I'm living in a tiny Wyoming town, mothering two beautiful children - and struggling at that. I'm (here it comes...) just a mom.
Yes, even I, the defender of the importance of motherhood, think it in the back of my mind. Who would envy me my life. "Ahh, how glamorous it all is - the sippy cups and Lexapro, the diapers and dogs!"
Not that I would want to give up my children and become an actress. (Although I wonder if I could meet Jude Law that way. ;) But sometimes I wish I had more to add to my life resume than BA in Psychology, mother of 2.
But then perhaps Lila would look at me and think "Look at her! She really has it all - a loving husband and two beautiful kids." Maybe at the end of the day she goes home to a lonely little London flat and wishes for more. (I doubt it - what little I knew of her, she was intelligent, outgoing, kind and warm.) What is success to one person isn't necessarily for the next.
I suppose here is where you want to hear what success is to me. The problem is I don't know yet. I'm still growing up, you know. I'm just a 30 year old kid. I'm not always good at the happiness thing, so I certainly don't have it figured out.
The other night I was tucking Gabriella into bed, and she told me she wants to be a mommy when she grows up. I told her that is a wonderful thing to be. I asked if there was anything else she wanted to be. Nope, she said - just a mommy. She wants to name her little girl Sally, and her little boy Oregon. (Oh yes, and she wants also wants to be an elephant rider - not important to my story, but very cute.)
If there is one person in the world who would envy my life, I'm honored it would be her. Perhaps that right there is my success.
Come about midnight I am just so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. But I know that in order to go to bed I have to get out of my chair, go brush my teeth and take out my contacts, and I'm really too tired to do that. But I also know that I can't go to bed without doing those things. So I just sit in my chair mindlessly watching TV and surfing the internet wishing to go to bed.
Just sad!
Do you ever hear songs in your dreams? I do occasionally. Most of the time it's because the song is on in the background somewhere and seeps in, but once and a while a song will sneak in on it's own.
One morning I woke up from a dream, and although the details were sketchy then (and completely gone now) I distinctly remember hearing this song (Mr. Blue by Yaz) playing in my mind:I'll come to you at night
When all the world is sleeping tight
And lie beside you, till the early morning dew.
You can't hear me, you can't see
But you can feel me when you read
The folded letter she left addressed to you.
I'm Mr. Blue
I'm here to stay with you
And no matter what you do
When you're lonely - I'll be lonely too.
In that state between asleep and awake I expected to hear the song on the radio when I woke up, but to my surprise the room was silent. I had dreamed the song. What's even stranger is I had only heard the song once or twice before, and quite a bit of time had past since then. Because of that, I thought there must be some meaning to it.
Because of the lyrics I found it comforting. I don't know why I dreamed it - perhaps someone somewhere was sending me a message? Maybe it didn't mean anything at all, but that song has always sounded haunted to me since, and special.
I had a similar exerience with the song Dammit by Blink 182, in which my brother and I (as adults) were running around the freezer section of a grocery store. Oddly enough, I think this one had a deeper meaning as well. :)
"Look at us! We're being cute!" Labels: quips
As you may have noticed, I seem to be going through blog burn-out lately. Just not much to say. That shouldn't last long I'm sure. I just wanted to check in with you all.
The kids had a wonderful time at my parent's house, and I had a wonderful time while they were gone. Now they are home and we're back to painting and making mud cookies on the back sidewalk.
I do have some posts in the works, but just haven't been in the right frame of mind to work on them. Hopefully I will be back into the blogging spirit soon.
I'm far too busy organizing my DVDs, baking muffins, washing windows, and sleeping in (11:00 is my record!) to write anything worth reading, so while I continue reveling in my childlessness, I will post something fun for you.
When I was a kid living in Denver, I remember laying awake in bed on Sunday nights listening to the Dr. Demento show on the radio. This radio show, in case you've never heard of it, was filled with silly songs. (Things like Weird Al and Purple People Eater).
There was one song that Dr. Demtento introduced me to that is on my ipod today. It's a very clever song, full of fish puns. If you haven't heard it, I am posting it here for a limited time. (Please save file before listening.)
I count 63 seperate (and unique) fish related references - How many can you pick up?