I mentioned before my desire to have a third child. Spiral doesn't want another one, and since neither of us wants another one right now, we have agreed to just leave it at that for now and deal with it when the time comes.
I know he would like some reason from me as to why we should have a third. In his eyes there are no reasons. And I have to say that I can see his point. There are several reasons for us to NOT have any more.
- PPD - one of his concerns (and truthfully mine, too) is my depression. He says I went through it somewhat with Gabriella, although I noticed it less and did not require any medicinal help. With Alex it has been much worse, I've been on medication for over a year now and still have bad days. The fear of course is that with the third the depression would once again be magnified. (My doctor says that this may or may not happen - there is no way to predict.)
- Finances - Like with everything else, money is always an issue. We are going through some "bumps in the road" so-to-speak, and took a gianormous paycut to move back to Wyoming, so while we are making headway and things are getting better, we are in no place to have another baby. (My hope is that once the third baby question really needs to be addressed the finances will be much better.)
- Our children - We already have two wonderful, healthy children - a boy and a girl. Who could ask for more than that?
So the "burden of proof" as it were, is on me. My desire for a third child is nothing that I can explain. There are no reasons I can explain in a way that don't sound selfish. "Well, I just want one." That doesn't quite cut it. The best I've been able to tell him is that my reasons for wanting a third are the same as my reasons for wanting the first and the second.
I think that with some things in life, there are no reasons. Some decisions can't be made with rationale. Really if everyone made their decision on having children based on rational thought, no one would be having children. Is it really a sane mind who thinks it's a grand idea to go through morning sickness, heartburn, an aching back, and non-stop doctor visits for nine months just to pay a small fortune to the hospital, and then take this creature home with you, who while is adorable to look at, will disrupt your sleep and budget, as well as monopolize your time for the better part of the rest of your life? The reasons for this are found in the heart, not the head.
There is a space in our family for one more. I feel it. I actually almost said this morning as I was trying to take a moment to myself in the bathroom and both my kids were pounding at the door, "quiet down, all three of you." Where did that come from?
Maybe I'm wrong about that empty space, because Spiral doesn't feel it. If it isn't to be, I will continue to be astoundingly grateful for the two beautiful children I've been given. Perhaps in time I will get over the feeling of wanting to go through the morning sickness, the little kicks and jabs from the inside, the hours of labor and seeing my baby take his or her first breath, the late nights of breastfeeding and cuddling, the learning about the world all over again, watching my children form life-long bonds of love and friendship with each other, the tight budgets and endless worry.
Then again, maybe I would never get over it. Maybe I would always feel that space, and wonder what would have been. Only time can tell.
(Special thanks to Mel for her post that inspired me to write about my feelings.)